Reality Check: A Short Feature

During the last six years, I’ve often felt as if Douglas C. Neidermeyer and his gang of neo-fascists from the Animal House movie had somehow hijacked our government and stood the world on its head. Worse, it seemed like nobody who was anybody even noticed that this had gone down, kind of like when the pods replaced everybody in Invasion of the Body Snatchers. When I watched Bush or Cheney on TV, it was like I was the only one in that Twilight Zone episode who knew “To Serve Man” was really a cookbook.
All that is unraveling now. Beneath all that scary rhetoric and incompetence we’ve found . . . well… a lot of scary rhetoric and incompetence. This crummy B-movie is not over yet, but Americans are starting to sit up and smell the burnt popcorn.
Of course, a lot more could go wrong before our celluloid villains leave the theater. So, in the interest of public safety, I have prepared a strong dose of reality to get the audience’s attention during intermission:

Our entire legal system is not based upon the Ten Commandments. The next time someone tries to tell you that, demand that they list all ten. Chances are they will get tripped up after lie, steal & kill. If you check our legal statutes, you’ll find that we have no law against making a graven image or coveting your neighbor’s ass.

Evolution is not a theory. While the process of evolutionary change is open to debate, it is a fact that all higher life forms evolved from lower life forms on this planet. And the earth is billions, not thousands of years old. You don’t have to believe that, but it is true. You also don’t have to believe in dentistry, but then your teeth are likely to rot and fall out prematurely.

Christmas is not in danger. If you have any doubts, visit any mall in the country on the day after Thanksgiving. But this is America, so you have the right without guilt to greet friends with a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, or Bah Humbug. If you don’t like it, well . . . Bah Humbug!

Global warming is not a hoax. The earth is getting warmer and the burning of fossil fuels is contributing to the warming process. We may not know precisely how much of this is a natural cycle of the planet and how much is man-made, but we do have the technology to slow the process for our own self-preservation. For years tobacco companies argued that smoking did not cause cancer; oil companies now argue that they don’t cause global temperature change. The end result is similar: bad news.

The Bush Administration has not been strong on national security. In fact, our nation is at its weakest since the end of World War II. As the marines would say, these guys can talk the talk but they sure can’t walk the walk. Our alliances are in tatters, our military is stretched thin, our troops are bogged down in the Iraqi debacle we spawned, Russia and China are throwing their weight around, and we generally look like fools to the rest of the world. Trust me, North Korea would never have dared to detonate a nuclear device if anybody else was in the White House.

Gay marriage does not threaten our society. If you don’t like gay marriage, don’t marry a gay person.

Religion has no place in government. This is why the Founders erected their “wall of separation.” That no such wall exists in the Middle East is the primary reason why people there often butcher each other over doctrine. By the way, Christians did the same thing quite nicely a few hundred years ago.

Putting a yellow ribbon decal on your car and humming the Star Spangled Banner is not supporting the troops. Getting them out of the line of fire when they have become hapless targets of rival factions in a civil war would be supporting the troops.

The mainstream media is not biased against conservative doctrine. There are thousands of media outlets in America. All news sources contain some bias in one sense or another, but the wide variety provides a natural balance. If you want pure right-wing propaganda, however, there’s always Fox News.

War is nothing to be proud of. The use of military force except when absolutely necessary is nothing short of a crime. Some of the most admired presidents of the twentieth century, like Theodore Roosevelt and John Kennedy, used weapons very little and diplomacy quite a lot. You can look to history –The Iliad and the Old Testament come to mind -- for lots of examples of human beings slaughtering each other for spurious reasons. When did America abdicate its role as the torch bearer of 21st century Western Civilization and turn into the neighborhood bully? (I have a hint, but I don’t want to give away the surprise ending ...)

Torture is never in order. Who would ever have thought Americans would be debating such a thing? Imagine the shame of Lincoln or Eisenhower listening in to this discussion. Besides, I thought we learned five hundred years ago that people will confess to anything if you make them scream.

Speaking out against the bumbling incompetence and moral bankruptcy of this administration is neither treasonous nor unpatriotic, nor does it embolden our enemies. On the other hand, waving a flag and a Bible in the wake of organized idiocy threatens the very life and liberty of the republic.

I hope this has helped you through intermission. You can skip the rest of the film. Horror movies usually end badly. In fact, I’d ask for my money back.