The Right Is So Wrong

There is no doubt in my mind that Republicans were defeated in last year’s elections because of their incompetence, not their ideology, but in fact their principles are as bankrupt as their leadership. Historically, conservatives have been on the wrong side of just about every prominent issue in American life.

Since the Reagan era, it has been fashionable to ridicule liberals as out of touch with mainstream America. Yet, mainstream America is the creature of American liberalism, not its antithesis. The twentieth century has been dubbed the “American century,” and the accomplishments we celebrate were products of the progressive and liberal philosophy that was the guiding light for the social, economic and political forces that defined our national achievements and global prominence.

On the other hand, conservatives stood in opposition to all of the great issues of that era: they opposed civil rights, the national park system, food and workplace safety regulations, equal rights for women, union labor, the minimum wage and a host of other elements of American life that we take for granted today.

It is surprising to observe that the World War II era “Greatest Generation” is often supportive of movement conservatism, yet the social security benefit most rely upon to survive would not exist if the conservatives of their day had prevailed!

Indeed, it was Franklin Roosevelt – the most liberal president in American history – who successfully led them through the twin crises of economic depression and world war. Conservatives in Congress demonized Roosevelt, blocked New Deal initiatives and fiercely resisted the President’s efforts to modernize our navy in the shadow of Hitler and Tojo’s rising threat. Later, they stood against aid to England under the assault of the Nazi war machine. After the war, they opposed the Marshall Plan that re-made Europe.

It is ironic that the one major achievement in the latter part of the century that conservatives take credit for – engagement with the Soviet Union that set in motion the end of the cold war – were achieved only because Ronald Reagan stepped out of character to overrule his conservative cabinet and commit to dialogue with Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbachev.

Today’s conservatives appeal to voters with a vision of return to a “traditional America” by distorting their role in shaping our history. Yet, the United States became a great nation despite them, not because of them.

I have no doubt that one day Americans will scoff at the right-wing denial of global warming and evolution, their anti-gay crusade, their efforts to inject religion into government, their assault on our civil liberties, and their preference for war over diplomacy – that is, unless their misguided policies take us to the brink and beyond.

America is Safe: Paris is Back in Prison!

Well, justice has prevailed and my faith in the American judicial system has been restored. O.J. got away, but we got Paris Hilton – and we’re not letting her go! News that the heiress one tabloid dubbed a “celubutard” was dragged sobbing back to jail for driving with a suspended license should make us all feel a lot safer. I mean why should she get special treatment? It’s not like she’s Dick Cheney or anything …

Dick Cheney. It was a year ago in February that he shot his friend in the face in that hunting accident that didn’t even get reported until the next day. And Dick admitted he had a beer with lunch. (“Just one beer ossifer …” – yeah, I used that line once too) But it was okay. No big deal. Within hours the spin on Fox News was that it was “his own personal business.” There wasn’t much of an inquiry after that. There was some question whether this could even be seen as constituting a crime in Texas. And even if it was, Texans never thought it was nearly as serious as when Dixie Chicks lead singer Natalie Maines admitted that she was ashamed to be from the same state as President Bush. Texans know all about crime and punishment!

As it was, the vice-president never even had to spend time at the police station. The man who survived the shotgun blast to the face, Republican lawyer Larry Whittington, later apologized for being confused with a quail and inconveniencing Cheney with his injuries, including the minor heart attack that was brought on by the shooting incident.

The numb-brained American public accepted Cheney’s version of events and agreed that it was his own “personal business” that he nearly killed someone while drinking and shooting. The American criminal justice system … well, didn’t seem to care. The elation over the prison time Martha Stewart did for insider stock trading was still fresh. And there were all of those time-consuming Vatican pay-outs to review so that the altar-boy-buggering priests didn’t have to get locked up too. There just wasn’t a free moment to go after poor Dick, who had better things to do than get tied down with all these liberal, politically-correct questions about gun safety. There were, after all, people to torture, secret prisons to maintain, and thousands of American and Iraqi lives to sacrifice to his extreme right-wing ideology.

But I digress. Let’s get back to poor Paris. Perhaps her sentence really is too lenient. Maybe we should let Dick Cheney use her for target practice instead. Just think of the media circus: Paris Hilton executed by the Vice President! That could be enough to distract the country for days, even weeks, from Iraq, al-Qaeda, Afghanistan, global warming, Halliburton, Guantánamo, China’s military buildup, the re-emerging cold war with Russia, and all of the rest of the minor news stories out there.

Stay tuned: Fox News is ready when you are!

Sam Brownback vs Planet of the Apes

I never thought I would live to see the day that a President of the United States would question evolution, so I suppose I should not be surprised to read an opinion piece (Op-Ed 5-31-07 http://www.brownback.com/s/NewsRoom/PressReleases/WhatIThinkAboutEvolutionNYTimesOpEd/tabid/363/Default.aspx) from a sitting US Senator with presidential aspirations on that same side of the fence.

In a poor but wordy attempt to stake out a position that does not seem as anti-intellectual and anti-scientific as it in fact is, Sen. Sam Brownback outlines all the reasons why it embarrasses me that he even sits in the Congress. In a long, painful blah-blah-blah of meandering arguments that could just as easily be re-fashioned to support Erich von Däniken’s theories of ancient astronauts, Brownback unintentionally outlines why he is hopelessly unqualified to be a teacher, philosopher, scientist or priest – never mind a legislator.

He informs us that “people of faith should be rational” and then launches an irrational diatribe about the undeniable sanctity of the fundamental truths he holds. He concedes certain aspects of evolutionary theory could be useful, but only if these pieces interlock with his definitions of a Supreme Being and man’s place in the universe. As to those that don’t fit, he tells us these “should be firmly rejected as an atheistic theology posing as science.” Science and religion must agree, he insists – and if they don’t, he will make them!

The founding fathers, creatures of the age of reason, would certainly have pilloried Brownback for his medievalism, but I wouldn’t even give him that much credit. To me, his worldview echoes that of the orangutan Dr. Zaius, “Keeper of the Faith” in the “Planet of the Apes” movie, who crushes a paper airplane because it challenges his unshakable belief in the implausibility of flight.