America is Safe: Paris is Back in Prison!

Well, justice has prevailed and my faith in the American judicial system has been restored. O.J. got away, but we got Paris Hilton – and we’re not letting her go! News that the heiress one tabloid dubbed a “celubutard” was dragged sobbing back to jail for driving with a suspended license should make us all feel a lot safer. I mean why should she get special treatment? It’s not like she’s Dick Cheney or anything …

Dick Cheney. It was a year ago in February that he shot his friend in the face in that hunting accident that didn’t even get reported until the next day. And Dick admitted he had a beer with lunch. (“Just one beer ossifer …” – yeah, I used that line once too) But it was okay. No big deal. Within hours the spin on Fox News was that it was “his own personal business.” There wasn’t much of an inquiry after that. There was some question whether this could even be seen as constituting a crime in Texas. And even if it was, Texans never thought it was nearly as serious as when Dixie Chicks lead singer Natalie Maines admitted that she was ashamed to be from the same state as President Bush. Texans know all about crime and punishment!

As it was, the vice-president never even had to spend time at the police station. The man who survived the shotgun blast to the face, Republican lawyer Larry Whittington, later apologized for being confused with a quail and inconveniencing Cheney with his injuries, including the minor heart attack that was brought on by the shooting incident.

The numb-brained American public accepted Cheney’s version of events and agreed that it was his own “personal business” that he nearly killed someone while drinking and shooting. The American criminal justice system … well, didn’t seem to care. The elation over the prison time Martha Stewart did for insider stock trading was still fresh. And there were all of those time-consuming Vatican pay-outs to review so that the altar-boy-buggering priests didn’t have to get locked up too. There just wasn’t a free moment to go after poor Dick, who had better things to do than get tied down with all these liberal, politically-correct questions about gun safety. There were, after all, people to torture, secret prisons to maintain, and thousands of American and Iraqi lives to sacrifice to his extreme right-wing ideology.

But I digress. Let’s get back to poor Paris. Perhaps her sentence really is too lenient. Maybe we should let Dick Cheney use her for target practice instead. Just think of the media circus: Paris Hilton executed by the Vice President! That could be enough to distract the country for days, even weeks, from Iraq, al-Qaeda, Afghanistan, global warming, Halliburton, Guantánamo, China’s military buildup, the re-emerging cold war with Russia, and all of the rest of the minor news stories out there.

Stay tuned: Fox News is ready when you are!